Self-healed over Self-pity

"You have to heal yourself first before you can proceed with your journey" - my internal conversation is loud.

Anxiety returns these few days and I am coping it with the most clarity that I can have within the capacity of my self understanding. On-going questioning doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps there are too many questions being answered already in my first stage of counselling. Together with my counsellor, we explore about the depth of connection that I am looking into, and we do a several rounds of reality evaluation on the connection that I wish to form. Yes, I don't get it for now, but the next avenue to considerate is that if I have the amount of resources to cope with my life, until I am able to form that connection. My answer is yes, and it marks the first stage of counselling.

I am not sure where I am hurt, why I am hurt or neither do I know how I am hurt. The sense of sorrow is deep inside my heart. Visual is a useful tool to put my subconscious into a language to communicate with myself. I learned that from the previous counselling sessions. I have an image of me walking out from my hut, exploring and looking at the world outside, but the phenomena that I absorb mentally, is against my understanding of humanity. Hence I walk home and shut my door down. That is how I define my pain inside and my response towards it.

I talk to my friends about my issues, but I receive a signal from the people outside, and inside of me that I shall stop prolonging all these conversations. Stop talking and talking about it. If I need to reprogramme my mentality, I need to do something with my behaviour. What is my vision in life? How do I look at my resources?

One thing that bugs me a lot is that have I passed over the grief period of death yet? I am telling people about the transformation happened. My listening skills and my empathy towards people resonates with the death experience. That is about the people around, but have I actually connect it back with myself, my mentality and my way of life? Have I actually processed it and live with the fruit of it?

Think about those questions will probably help to process my life experience. My next question to my counsellor that I will be meeting in the next 2 days is, how can I build a positive support system that can lead me to live a well-being gay life? There is such an intense degree of self labeling happening outside there. With that identity, they translate it into a disorganised sexual behaviour and then the cycle continues. Where does this lead you to? Life changing also involves re-shuffling, filtering and re-selecting the resources that I shall keep in my life.

This is an ecosystem, we are not living alone. My struggle begins when I realise I am living with people whom I actually have a lot of doubts on their purpose of life.

超生

我不知道要用上几大的心力去成就自己的快乐。
我们都不知道要用上几多的时间去找回自己。

或者，在我自己是谁亦还未被解答前，快乐被蒙在没有答案的问题里。
或者，太幽暗的我没有去发掘，于是见不了全面的自己。

如果当天我没有对生死那么着紧，或者也练就不了这套思路。

生死，思路，成了相对法。困又困在死亡，生又生在死亡。关于超生渡人的那些哲理，我是清楚不过的。回忆成了枷锁，捆住了自己，捆住了死魂。话说善终总在死者得到生人的允许证之前，而善生的票根，又是否要向魂头请示才可生？ 未得票证，后来那个魂头早已超生了，捆住了的是自己。我走不出去，别人亦走不进来。我道尽寂寞，可是因由早就有了纹路。

其实出路是放开，但我偏偏顽固到放不开，放不到自己一条生路。文字一写便十年，当中我记挂了多少不快乐，同样走不出一刻的快乐。周而复始，我又走到了哪里去。明天，我去找治疗师，寻根源。我医了自己十年，还信总有天我放得开自己，还有那些眼泪总能滴成生命的水源。

观世图

连日来刮自己几巴，一巴又一巴，将自己拉回现实点去寻出路。

两个月来未见辅导师，见了很多人，走出了自己的花园看一个世界。谁知我开了门，又关门。回来自己坐着，同样的症状，焦虑便到访。可是这次多了些定力去问因由。当初我不懂入世之道，断定自己不懂人世。后来看到了我不想看到的景象，这个世界不是我认知的世界。价值不同，定位不对，我将自己孤立起来，其实同样孤起了自己一座城府。

其实这座城府，正正就是由自己的价值取舍而砌成。外面的世界豺狼当道，一张床睡过一张床。谁还来提什么命题？我回来，哭了六时。一堆情怀想投放，可是换来尽是不明所以。然后我读人的一套智慧，成了我解这幅观世图的答案。当中牵涉太多历练换回来的定力，我一落入慨叹的漩涡，立即自怜起来。

一大堆为什么便这样了，使得我身心不能自己。可是还是碰上了贵人。问我，继续抱住那些身世去解读世态，你换来了什么？我想人怜，我想情感有着落，我想有后盾。想着想着，好了，你要浪费时间到几时？为什么将时间都投资在那些空等之上？

我回来，继续哭。这段路一定是孤身上路的。但我总不能拎着过去的包袱而上路。这晚，我回想这一路走来，哭倒了自己。放开一个人，放开我的历程，才能放得开自己。我想重生，原来要回去那天那时那个点去出发。生死并行，我还在介怀什么？