Self-healed over Self-pity

"You have to heal yourself first before you can proceed with your journey" - my internal conversation is loud.

Anxiety returns these few days and I am coping it with the most clarity that I can have within the capacity of my self understanding. On-going questioning doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps there are too many questions being answered already in my first stage of counselling. Together with my counsellor, we explore about the depth of connection that I am looking into, and we do a several rounds of reality evaluation on the connection that I wish to form. Yes, I don't get it for now, but the next avenue to considerate is that if I have the amount of resources to cope with my life, until I am able to form that connection. My answer is yes, and it marks the first stage of counselling.

I am not sure where I am hurt, why I am hurt or neither do I know how I am hurt. The sense of sorrow is deep inside my heart. Visual is a useful tool to put my subconscious into a language to communicate with myself. I learned that from the previous counselling sessions. I have an image of me walking out from my hut, exploring and looking at the world outside, but the phenomena that I absorb mentally, is against my understanding of humanity. Hence I walk home and shut my door down. That is how I define my pain inside and my response towards it.

I talk to my friends about my issues, but I receive a signal from the people outside, and inside of me that I shall stop prolonging all these conversations. Stop talking and talking about it. If I need to reprogramme my mentality, I need to do something with my behaviour. What is my vision in life? How do I look at my resources?

One thing that bugs me a lot is that have I passed over the grief period of death yet? I am telling people about the transformation happened. My listening skills and my empathy towards people resonates with the death experience. That is about the people around, but have I actually connect it back with myself, my mentality and my way of life? Have I actually processed it and live with the fruit of it?

Think about those questions will probably help to process my life experience. My next question to my counsellor that I will be meeting in the next 2 days is, how can I build a positive support system that can lead me to live a well-being gay life? There is such an intense degree of self labeling happening outside there. With that identity, they translate it into a disorganised sexual behaviour and then the cycle continues. Where does this lead you to? Life changing also involves re-shuffling, filtering and re-selecting the resources that I shall keep in my life.

This is an ecosystem, we are not living alone. My struggle begins when I realise I am living with people whom I actually have a lot of doubts on their purpose of life.